I think I was born old. When I was 8, 10, 14, 21, 25 people always said I was mature for my age. I was the person everyone could talk to — no matter how old I or they were, they’d tell me everything. I said hello to everyone who looked my way by the time I could talk — and never stopped. Except, that is, when I realized that the creepy guys on the subway also managed to accept my open face and started talking to me, too. Then I started to do what a lot of NYers do — I started to avert my gaze. It wasn’t until I was about 25 that I felt like I was getting younger — and less confident. I started to question what I thought I knew…I always knew everything before that. I still sounded like I knew everything, and tried to look like I knew that I knew everything. But slowly my self-doubt crept in. Self-doubt is an insidious experience. It can show up in uncountable ways…sleepiness, lack of motivation, hunger, mean words to ourselves and others, confusion, indecision…you know what I mean. Mostly it sounds like, I can’t do that, I don’t know enough, I’m not as smart as…
It takes practice to get back to the confidence of youth. And a lot of support and love and friendship and humor. And courage. For a while in my life I didn’t have much of those — but now I do and I see that self-doubt still creeps in, but age has helped me to tame that inner negative voice so that I am clearer about when it’s there. Now I know that EVERYBODY feels that lack of confidence at some point, or even everyday…but we can make the effort to get back to our confidence of youth, and get to the real confidence that comes with experience, love and a lot of work.